I listen to a lot of podcasts, but there’s one radio show that I listen to every day. It’s a local Minnesota show, and I find myself agreeing with the common sense approach of the host. He sometimes says something interesting that I want to remember and I’ll update this article with some of the show’s takeaways. Keep in mind I don’t necessarily agree with everything he says, but I enjoy hearing his perspective.
Listen now for free: Garage Logic
- Hosted by ESPN.
- Garage Logic is a mostly political radio show of a conservative bent. Since it’s hosted by ESPN, they do sometimes comment on local sports.
- Garage Logic enjoys going off-site occasionally for broadcasts. They will set up their show at bars, hardware stores, sporting events, and state fairs.
- Garage Logic | The name of a fictional town. It is the seat of Gumption county, down the road from Liberal Lakes.
- The Mayor’s office is above the boat house the shore of Spoon Lake. On his desk are sharpened pencils ready to take notes, and a gavel, which he uses to make official mayoral rulings. “It’s not always easy being the mayor.”
- Garage Door Opener | Official holiday of the town of Garage Logic. The Garage Door Opener occurs on the first Friday of the year when the temperature reaches 70 degrees (MSP temp), during the show. Much to-do is made of this holiday. An official “garage door opening” sounder is played.
- Town Mascot | Garage Logic’s school mascot is the “Fighting Stogies”.
- Town Bank | The town’s bank is called “Common Surface Savings and Loans”
- Great Living American Christmas Tree Lot | A fictional tree lot for selling Christmas trees over the holidays.
- Lake Detective | is an expert on Minnesota lakes, he’s never been stumped. GL likes to check in on him back at his office, and sets the scene like a noir crime drama: “You’re back at the office, you’ve removed your holster, the gun is in the safe, your feet are up on the desk, and the blonde bombshell is out in the front room.”
- Morgan Q. E. Wolfe-Slattery, Euphorian |
- Joe Soucheray | Mayor of Garage Logic. Also known as “Flashlight King” and “Fireworks Commissioner”. Host and news commentator via radio and newspaper. Grumpy, curmudgeonly, and old fashioned. Always telling Rookie to settle down. Loves old-school stuff like, post offices, stamps, compasses, pencils, etc. Technology makes his brain fry.
- Rookie (Matt) | Host’s sidekick. Squirrely, quirky, and fun. Does really bad voice impressions and accents. Works in “the industry” which is his side-business in wax hands. (No, not a joke. He owns a wax hand stand that you see at fairs and such.) Loves food.
- Chris Reuvers | Third commentator and also in charge of managing social media. Big fan of baseball. Host of the beer show.
- John Heidt | The news man. Big fan of music, and plays guitar himself.
- Dave Dahl | The weather man.
- Offsite Correspondents | GL has a fleet of loyal listeners and regular contributors that send in news tips and information for the show. Most notably, Ingy and “Big John”.
- On Big Cities | The closer you get to the country’s tallest buildings, the closer you get to the mystery. “The mystery” refers to the altered state of mind that liberals live in. They are called “mysterians” or “euphorians” for short.
- On Black Lives Matter | He wonders how this group wants to change our justice system. What would please them? He comments, “The only form of justice they would find agreeable is that when a police officer shoots a young black man he be found guilty of murder. Should there be a complete paradigm shift in what constitutes justice? The Black Panther party in America is already calling for a separate nation. Should our system have two systems of justice? Since our 250-year old system is no longer acceptable for black activists?”
- On Climate Change | Joe calls himself the speed bump or “Great Denier” on climate change. The earth’s climate has always changed. Climate scientists point to a mere 150-year record with a warming trend, and Joe counters with, “Well it had to be pretty warm 10,000 years ago to melt the glacier that ultimately made Lake Superior.” He’s skeptical about man’s role in the warming trend, for example, he will periodically bring up stories about sun spot activity in order to illustrate the sun’s role in our changing climate. Finally, he is extremely skeptical of climate scientists interests. The researchers are on a great scientific payroll, and it “behooves them to keep coming up with facts that ‘we’re gonna die instantly’ if we don’t do something.” What is that something? More and more intrusive government regulation.
- On European Immigration | He believes Europe has immigration problems, and he often says that “London won’t be London” anymore.
- On Gun Laws | Joe frequently brings up Chicago, and remarks on how many people are shot every week, even though Chicago has the strictest gun laws in the nation. Chicago often goes under the radar when the topic of gun regulation comes up.
- On Local Government | The governing elite and school board lives in a parallel universe that is shrouded in the privilege of privacy. The “common” people don’t get transparency. Joe often refers to the Minneapolis city council as “ruling from the salon”. They carry out meaningless projects like using recycled tires as playground mulch, building a new bike lane or a plastic bag tax. Projects like these only benefit the middle-upper class of Minneapolis. Meanwhile, there’s a shooting every week in north Minneapolis. These are communities that are in need of real help, and these stupid little projects completely overlook the real problems that need solving.
- On Math | They say that they’re not allowed to do math on the air because they’re bad at it, and it gets tedious.
- On Nature | Joe is convinced that people are losing their respect for nature, especially young people who have had no real practical experience with it. Example stories: Three women rescued tubing, woman shouts at bear eating kayak, man falls over a waterfall while taking a selfie.
- On the NFL | Joe says that the NFL is losing its future players to news of terrible concussions and injuries, and to cope, the NFL is slowly turning into a reality TV show where the league has to manufacture drama in order to keep their viewership.
- On Poverty | Joe has a saying, “You statistically avoid poverty if you graduate from high school, and get married before you have a child.”
- On Zoos | Joe is generally anti-zoo. He doesn’t think that the animals are happy in captivity.
- 48 Hour Rule | If you buy something substantial and your spouse doesn’t notice it for 48 hours, you can say, “Oh, that old thing? That’s been around since the beginning of summer.” You can’t hide it, you can’t disguise it, it has to be stored where it would normally be stored, and it has to be in plain view.
- “B, as in B. S, as in S” | Emphatic, radio-friendly way to say “Bullshit!”
- The CP | The Chief Procurer, a.k.a Wife
- “End of the World” |
- Joint Sub-Committee of Foghorn-able Words | Joe occasionally sounds a foghorn on specific words because he has deemed them overused, misused or distorted by “mysterians”.
- This also includes first names that are deliberately mispelled or non-traditional. Example: Bretane (Brittany) or Le-a (Ledasha).
- Foghornable words: inappropriate, pro-active, community, offended
- Iconic | The reason this one gets the horn is because it’s a lazy word. For example, is the girraffe iconic? No, you should say what makes the girraffe iconic (it is the world tallest animal), so say that the girraffe is the world’s tallest animal.
- “Give me Satellite” | Joe is sometimes overwhelmed with frustration when reading a story. Since regular broadcast radio has different regulations, he is not allowed to swear. He will tell Rookie to give him satellite radio so he can say what he really wants to say. Rookie then plays elevator musak for a brief period until Joe is done ranting.
- Goldfishing | Say you have a yellow snowmobile that you bought in the 80’s. A tactic to get a new one without the CP noticing within the alotted 48 hours (See 48 Hour Rule) is to get another brand new yellow snowmobile.
- “Good Call-Screening, Larry” | An offhand remark made when a weird caller is allowed on the air and gets dumped. Larry is an imaginary member of the staff that has questionable caller judgement.
- “Good Luck” | An all encompassing salutation that refers to the daily mystery that intrigues GLers in their daily interactions with the residents of Euphoria, Liberal Lakes and Diversityville.
- Great Living American |
- “Hail You” | Official and proper way to greet the Mayor.
- Headdressing | When a celebrity purposely does something that would be considered racist or cultural misappropriation only to get publicity and apologizes afterwards.
- “I like turtles.”
- Inventory Management | This can refer to a number of things, but it comes up specifically in relation to a Minnesota law for liquor stores to be closed on Sundays. People complain about the law, but Joe simply says, “It’s not a problem with the law, it’s a problem with YOU. Practice good inventory management, and it won’t be a problem!”
- Leg Lamp Rules |
- Lumberjacked | When an event gets too successful and struggles because of its popularity, it is “Lumberjacked” (A reference to Stillwater’s Lumberjacking Days.)
- Non-Apology Apology | Ex: “I’m sorry if you were offended”
- Positive Thursday | Every Thursday Joe used to only read positive news stories, or if the news story was not positive, he would find a way to spin it to make it positive. He stopped doing it after a while, I think it was (sadly) too difficult to prepare for.
- Power Washing | The “darkening” of perfectly innocent topics. For example, do power washers evoke imagery of civil rights activists getting hosed down in the streets… ? Uh, no. Or is the song “Baby it’s Cold Outside” about date rape? No again.
- “Ray of hope” |
- Royal Order of the 21st-ers |
- Scramble | At the end of the show on Friday, the show kicks off the weekend by playing “Fly Me To the Moon” by Frank Sinatra. When you hear the song, you better “scramble” to the fridge to get yourself a cold one.
- Space Management | It’s important for a Garage Logician to practice “Space Management” in the winter, preferably with cylinders. (Translation: Be diligent about keeping your driveway and sidewalks clear with your snowblower or you WILL regret it! Once you give the ice a chance to take hold, you wont be rid of it until March.)
- Three prices you pay | The price you paid, the price she thinks you paid, the price you pay when she finds out how much you paid for it.
- “You learn more here by accident then elsewhere by design.”
Image source: Alan Levine